Standing Orders

The following is a public record of note for standing orders in the event of certain foreseen circumstances.  It does not replace a living will or documented will.

  • In the event of being arrested, and dying in custody, it would be a suspicious death because I am an ego driven messanic complex meglomanic who would always want my day in court.
    • I would want to go out in a blaze of publicity
    • Unless it was big, spectacular, and covered live on Sky news, it’s suspicious.
  • In the event of death as a result of police car chase where I was doing the running from the police…
    • please condemn my stupidity for running,  I wrote the advice guide on not running
    • Please also note that I would not turn a matter of legal process and appeal into a death sentence by running.
    • If it’s confirmed by non-police sources, or my own side, that I ran, please do not describe me as a larrakin, “fun loving” or other metaphorical representation of being a completely selfish idiot for running
  • presuming no illegality by the police, in the event of death as a result of police car chase where I was the innocent bystander / bystanding vehicle…
    • Please acknowledge the police for their efforts to uphold the law, if it was upheld
    • Please condemn the police for their pursuit if the police driver acted recklessly or illegally
    • Please condemn whichever drivers elected to turn a criminal matter into a murder/suicide by reckless driving
  • In the event of my timely death, please try not to look surprised.
    • If said timely death results from my own stupidity, please acknowledge said stupidity.  I’d like to own my exit achievement
    • If said timely death eventuates from me doing something I knew full damn well was high risk, I’d like to be recognised for the risk taking, and equally recognised for the failure to achieve the outcome.
      • Epic fail, failed saving throw and similar phrases are expected.
      • My eulogy should include the phrase “Thought it through, did it anyway”
    • If said timely death is the result of extended and repeated abuse of my body with caffeine, it was worth it. A life lived awake is totally worth the exit charges
    • If opportunity exists to build a gratuitous statue of me holding a scythe, I’d consider that a fitting tribute to a life spent poking fun of reality.
      • Double points to anyone who can get said statue built as a gargoyle
      • Triple word score to anyone who can get this statue installed on the Gotham Building in Brisbane.
  • In the event of being placed on life support, I have the following requests
    • if my eyes are open, capable of blinking, and generally self regulating their fluid levels, please queue up all those movies and TV shows you think I ought to have watched.
    • if my eyes are open, and I have shown signs of terminally degrading life expectancy, strike a deal with one of those “101 movies you must see before you die” book publishers and queue up the list to see if I can’t pull off one last spectacle before logging out.
    • if my eyes are not open, and I don’t show signs of responding, please queue up my largest mp3 collection, place on random (no repeat), and start playing it to me (headphones are acceptable, iPod buds feel kind of cheap and tacky, but they’ll work).  If by the end of the collection I have not reacted or responded to anything in the play list, then unplug me and the iPod.  If I can’t be motivated to skip tracks of some of the stuff in there, then I’m well past gone.
  • In the event of an armed revolution, uprising, military coup or similar outbreak of active coercive social change
    • if I am shot by the opposition, it’s only fair, and I probably did deserve it.
    • if I am shot by my own side, it’s probably well deserved.
    • if I am shot by someone who knows me, then they’re probably right.
    • if I become leader of the revolution by means fair or foul, I probably should be shot.
  • In the event of my untimely death…
    • None of you are allowed to become vigilantes seeking justice and retribution.
    • Okay, none of you not already skilled in archaic weapons, owning costumes, domino masks or similar crime fighting supplies are allowed to go vigilante here.
    • I would politely request to be buried with as many of the weapons that I own as practical. I may need them in a hurry on the other side.
  • If time and preparations allow for it, please consider the following burial requests
    • Buried with a sealed harddrive,or a sealed and preserved computer (including power cable).
    • Buried with weapons (actual, nerf, and latex. Let’s confuse people later)
  • if killed in a car wreck involving the Redbird, and the law permits, please consider if I can be buried with the crushed remains of the Redbird. It’s how we’d like to go to the next life together
    • If the Redbird outlives me, let him get some rest
    • If the Redbird is wrecked and I am unable to respond in time due injury, please preserve the largest undamaged panel of the car so that I can have it milled into a guantlet, shield or ring,.

Orders are subject to change based on changes to this page.

Whilst written in a cheerful fashion, I really am serious about the triple word score points for the statue. That would be a freaking awesome tribute to my life.