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The Trebuchet List (Self Prohibited Items List)

A list of objects that I would quite like to own, operate or otherwise use for nefarious purposes, and for which I have pre-emptively confiscated from myself by prohibiting me from having them.  I know I can’t be trusted to act in a responsible manner with these devices, so I don’t take the risk.

1. Prohibited Object: A Trebuchet:  Firing arcs, accuracy, and an ability to fling objects from Point A to Point C clean over the top of Point B means I’ll get into trouble of the quite difficult to explain in court variety. This was swifting upgraded to include mangonels since they’re a very specific form of object flinging technology.  A later expansion of the rule included any form of ancient siege weapon including catapults, wolfapults or nearest equivalent technology.  It makes certain periods in Empire Earth quite complicated.

1A. Exemption: In times of war, zombies or national emergencies where the capacity to fling things at other things becomes vitally useful, this rule is suspended for the entirity of the emergency, plus twenty minutes.

The Trebuchet List has extended beyond the basic seige weapon classes to become a touchstone list of things I know I shouldn’t be allowed to own.  The extended list now includes

2. Prohibited Item (Individual): Captain Planet: I tend to think about the tactical elements of Captain Planet far far too much. Like the time I was arguing that the power of heart could be used to induce coronary seizures in the Planeteer’s opponents. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea to give me any of the Planeteer powers or access to Captain Planet.

2A. Exemption: Nil.

3. Prohibited Object (Class):Hair regrowth devices, and anything that could be used to encourage hair growth in unnatural ways. Entirely because I was describing how I’d use them to grow out the hair on my fore-arms to wolf man monster proportions. This lead to a series of consequences that ended in the realization that Rapunzel’s extraordinary hair length counted a form of siege weaponry, and those, all hair strengthening, straightening or growth enhancing devices joined the Trebuchet list.

3A. Exemption: Hair dressers are not required to surrender this equipment if I am nearby.

4. Prohibited Object: Laminators. Whilst the people around me see no problem in crossing over my photoshop skills with lamination technology, I know this is going to end in tears and injunctions.

4A. Exemption: Officeworks may be used under supervision from an authorised Trebuchet list maintainer.

5. Prohibited Object (Class): Magnetic card readers, printers, keycard skimmers and anything else that could let me copy, duplicate or author swipe card technology.  I know me, and I know me well enough to know that I’d social engineer my way into somewhere that didn’t have the “For unauthorised exit, press this button” near the front doors.  Particular if by “social engineer” I mean “Copy the contents of that security guard’s ACCESS-ALL AREA pass from 15 feet with a passive reader/replicator”.

5A. Exemptions: Nil.

6. Prohibited Activity: Karoke.  It’s a weapon of mass destruction in my hands. My singing isn’t just flat, it’s flatlined, I’m tone deaf and I have no ability to keep to linear time. Plus, since I don’t drink, I’m always too sober to do pub karoke. No matter what certain people said.

6A. Exemption: Spoken word recitals. REVOKED.  There was an incident.

6B. Exemption: The Muppet Show Theme song

6C. Exemption: Driving Redbird if, and only if, accompanied by an authorised representative of the Trebuchet List.

7. Prohibited Object (Class): Any item on sale in a hardware store catalogue at a discounted price.  It’s always pleasing to see my friends pick up a hardware catalogue and systematically eliminate items from it on the grounds that we agree I probably shouldn’t own it.  Just because I looked at the leaf vacuum with attached bag and wondered about converting it into a NERF Flamethrower is no reason to believe I shouldn’t be trusted with the contents of hardware stores.  Okay, so maybe it is a good reason for me not to trust me with welding equipment, ladders, screwdrivers, torque wrenches and a large amount of pre cut lumber.

7A. Exemption: Zombie emergencies

7B. Exemption: Actual household repairs.  Supervised access to the hardware store or a very specific list. Very specific. Very very specific, including exclusions related to ropes, pulleys, precut lumber and counterweights

7C. Exemption: See Exemption 1A.

7D: Exemption: Dust masks, gas masks, and any associated breathing apparatus that enables survival in high particle density environments.

8. Prohibited Object: Grappling hooks. Entry by doorway only.

8A. Exemption: Rock climbing.

8B: Clarification: Concrete exteriors of buildings are not rocks.

9. Prohibited Object (Class): Utility belts. If the device needs to be readily accessible in such a manner that isn’t covered by carrying it in a pocket or satchel, there’s really no legitimate reason for me to own the device, and definitely no reason to own the storage container for such device.

9. A. Exemption: Handbags, backpacks and satchels exempted.

9.B. Clarification: Holsters count as utility belts.  I do not need to be carrying my iPod or Blackberry in a shoulder hostler, hip holster, or quick draw mechanism.

9.C. Exemption: Wrist straps, wrist watches, scabbards or quivers.

9.D. Exemption: Waist coats, vests and fob watch chains.

10. Prohibited Object (Class): Pouches.This includes cargo pants, three quarter length pants, army disposal store belts with those incredibility useful looking canvas pouches, canteens, or hipflask attachments.

10A. Exemption: This rule does not apply in the event of being transported through time to the 1990s.

11. Prohibited Object (Class): Spandex costume, armour or related superhero outfit.

11.A. Exemption: Real world based defensive equipment Kevlar armour.

11.B. Exemption. Iron Man suit (any). Warmachine suit (all)

11.C. Exemption: Green Arrow outfit. I need something for Halloween.

11.D. Exemption: 501st Storm Trooper Armour (personal, able to be worn)

11.E. Any costume purchased in a sealed case with “A Good Soldier” written on the base of the case.

12. Prohibited Object: Domino masks. Masquerades are for people who can’t do sneaky politics with their faces shown.

12.A Exemption: See 11.C exemption.

12B. Exemption: Ninja hoods

13. Prohibited Object (Person): Rob Liefeld, Jim Lee or any Image Comics illustrator

13A. Exemption: Nil.

13B. Clarification: I survived the rise of Image Comics back in the 1990s, with the anti-hero costumes that consisted of a large number of pouches, leg pouches, belt pouches, bandoleer with pouches, a domino mask, ultra tight lycra costumes and oversized guns.  Hence why I prohibit me from owning any such component parts on the off chance that my inoculation against anti-hero activity can’t survive direct contact with pouches.

14. Prohibited Object (Class): Fireworks. It’s all fun and games until someone repurposes the 4th of July gear into something far more problematic for the free world. I mean, seriously, fireworks combine science, chemistry, shiny things and explosives into a single problem solving device.  Frankly it’s a miracle I’m still allowing myself access to fire to be honest.

14A. Exemption: Signal flares (Team Fortress).

14B. Exemption: Signal flares (Sinking ships, but only if I wasn’t responsible for the ship starting to sink in the first place.).

15. Prohibited Object (Class): Children. I have no desire to breed simply because I carry a bunch of corrupted genetic code that really needs to be put out of the human race (those allergies that can wipe me out would be passed onto my children. Given what I went through, I could not honestly do that to another human, let alone one I’m supposed to like, protect and raise). With that in mind, since I don’t want my own kids, I figure I should just add children to the Trebechut list since I’m really not the kind of person who should be allowed to raise kids.  If nothing else, the fact I planned to name children “Alpha”, “Beta” and “Gold Release Candidate” “Child98″, “Child2K,  ChildXP and ChildVista (No ChildME. I’m cruel, not malevolent) means I shouldn’t have children anywhere near me during their formative coding process errr childhood years.

15A. Exemption: Clones.  They’re supposed to be imprinted with my evil ways.

16. Prohibited Object: West Wing (DVD or the US Government).  It’s for the best that I don’t let myself watch the political soap opera. Apart from being one of the fastest possible ways to make me cry, it’s also going to be held in reserve for the moment that I’ve committed myself to the path of active political campaigning once again. Then I mainline it before I go out and live it.

16.A. Sunset clause: Upon coming out of political retirement, West Wing is removed from the Trebuchet list immediately.

16.B. Clarification: Condition “Coming out of political retirement” is met only if I have received preselection for a Senate, Federal, State or Local election.

17.   Prohibited Object (Class): Remote controlled animals. Up to and including any form of radio controlled spiders, raptors, furred, feathered or winged creature. Especially any remote controlled spiders or any animal for which there are named phobias that are known to the general public and/or which feature in movie titles

17.A Exemption: Excludes hippogryphs

17.B Exemption: Any fish controlled whilst using telepathy.

18. Prohibited Object (Class/Activity): Card games and tricks including but not limited to shuffling, throwing, sharking, flourishes, scaling, poker and blackjack.

18.A. Clarification:I am not allowed to grow up to be Gambit.

18B. Exemption: Ad hoc poker. Professional, amateur or pro-am prohibited under the provisions of Temporal Certainty.

18C. Exemption: Fantasy Poker

18D. Exemption: Live Action Role Playing resolution devices. I may carry upwards of two full decks of cards for the period immediately prior, immediately after or during a LARP event to facilitate the resolution of in-game conflicts.

18E. Clarification: I am to have the cards confiscated immediately if I start throwing them, charging them with psychokinetic energy or generally acquiring an inexplicable Bayou accent.

19. Prohibited Object (Payment Schemes): Demon pacts, or related deals with devil(s) up to and including buying, leasing, renting or reselling souls.

19.A. Exemption: I’m allowed to sign contracts of service, work for hire, and consultancy agreements as long as I’m paid in cash or direct deposit. I may no longer accept souls of the damned as currency.  They can use Paypal like anyone else thank you very much.

20. Prohibited Object: Portraits that have the functional capacity to replicate the Dorian Gray Experiment.

20.A. Exemption: Flickr.

21. Prohibited Object: Submarines. Conventional, nuclear or yellow.

21A. Exemption: Empire Earth.

21B. Exemption: Rockband: The Beatles.

22. Prohibited Object (Class): Science fiction technologies that could reasonably turn to science fact

22.A. Exemption:  see Exemption 11.B.

22.B. Specification: Jet packs

22.C. Specification: Rocket packs

22.D. Specification: Mechs (20 tons to 90 tons). If I can steal an Atlas, I can keep it.

22.E. Specification: Gundams (All)

22.F. Specification: Giant metal robots (Other). Klaatu Barada Nikto are not words that I need to say as a form of instruction, nor as a means to command a tin man.

23. Prohibited Object (Class): Planes, space ships, space shuttles, including most forms of star fighters, fighter jets, conventional fighter jets, or anything that would cause any member of the Air Force hierachy to suddenly break into a cold sweat at the mention of my name and that technology in the same sentence.

23.A. Exemption: A-Wings (Models)

23.B. Exemption: UAV drones may be exempted if I’m working on cash or contract basis.  Ban still applies for recreational use.

23.C. Exemption: Remote control helicopters (unarmed)

23.D. Clarification: Unarmed means not having weapons or cameras, or the capacity to accidentally acquire weapons or cameras through magnets or duct-tape

24. Prohibited Object (Class): Ships of the line including those that do water travel, space travel and land travel.  Especially the ones that do land, sea and air travel whilst retaining a fundamentally boat like complexion. This includes hot air balloons, barrage balloons, party balloons, up to and including zepplins. Particularly zepplins.  This includes any form of capital ships, including the USS Enterprise, Battlestar Galactica, Shadow Fleet, Star Destroyers.

24A. Exemption: Rebel Blockade Runners. We’ve all got our weaknesses.

24B. Exemption: Vehicle Voltron. The one true Voltron, ruler of all Voltrons, and the one not being bastardised in film format thank you very much.

24C. Exemption: Red balloons up to a minimum load of 98 balloons, maximum load of 100 balloons.

24.D. Clarification: Single red balloon may be retained as a souvenir just to prove the world was here.

25. Prohibited Object (Class): Single handed or dual handed bladed, energy or forestry weapons with an ancestry in science fiction video games or movies.  List includes active and functional light sabers, chainsaws (any), axes, two handed swords, maces, polearms, or anything that makes a zzzthzzzz noises when moved through the air.

25A. Exemption: Permitted to own cultural weapons from my own culture (French, British, Celtic, Pirate) as display items.

25B. Exemption: Permitted to operate bladed or pointed weapons of French, Celtic or European origins for sporting, recreational or hobby purposes.

25C. Exemption: Permitted to own for display and educational purposes any form of bladed weapon of Chinese, Japanese, Thai or Korean origin.

25D. Clarification: The term “educational purposes” can include brief instruction as to how much these things can really hurt if used to cudgel someone in a blunt force trauma incident.  I may not sharpen these devices for the purposes of making a bad pun about cutting edge education technology.

25E: Exemption: Scythes. (Rule 32A)

26. Prohibited Object (Class): Nuclear and/or Nucklear technology. Seriously, if I can’t trust me with a trebuchet, why on earth would I let me have a nuclear warhead?

26A. Clarification: This includes anything with the words “Portable” and “Thermonuclear” associated with it, or could conceivably result in the UN Weapons Inspection Teams needing to check my diary for my availability.  See als

26A. Exemption: Nil.

27. Prohibited Object (Event/Item/Thing): Temporal anomaly (singular), third party produced temporal distortions, time travel, assisted time travel, time traveling devices built into pop cultural devices, police boxes, sports cars, or any form of time travel that requires some form of clock motif, metaphor or messing about with a time piece which could result in a temporal loop.

27A. Exemption: Fotamecus.

27B. Exemption: Tuesday afternoons

27C. Exemption: Me.

28D: Exemption: Answering questions before they’ve been asked. That’s just a side-effect of my permanent partial dislocation temporal continuity

28. Prohibited Activity: Mind reading including thought projection, thought reading, image projection and embedded mental commands. Think about it, and I’ll know why you…wait, forget I said that.

28A. Exemption: Trivia Pursuit Nights

28B. Exemption: Finishing other people’s sentences and/or answering questions before they have been asked (See 28D).

28C. Exemption: Controlling aquatic creatures.

29. Prohibited Object (Class): Clones, cloning technology, rogue genetic scientists, insects in amber and/or cloning devices that are not resident within Photoshop.

29A Exemption: The clone tool in photoshop.

29B: Clarification: “Clones” include training apprentices and body doubles

30. Prohibited Activity: Teleportation (personal). *BAMF* *BAMF**BAMF**BAMF* *BAMF* *BAMF*. Okay, fair point.  I know I’d end up in a tree somewhere, wondering how to get out of this one, this time.

30AExemption: If the public transport is replaced with teleportation, I’m allowed to catch the ‘transporter to work.

31. Prohibited Activity: No longer permitted to dress as Gandalf, and stand on any university bridge, raised walkway or narrow path and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS” and “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” at students

31A Exemption: In the courseof normal teaching duties, I am permitted to instruct students in the ways in which they could fail an assessment item

31B Exemption: I am permitted to use the phrase when a student has no mathematical possibility of reaching 50% based on the remaining assessment items.  In said circumstances, I am not allowed to use the wizard robes

32. Prohibited Activity: I may not refer to academic gown as a “Wizard hat and robes”

32A Addendum: I may not bring a quarter staff, wizard staff, scythe, or similar device to the graduation ceremony.

32A.1: Unless I’m the Mace Bearer for the ceremony. In which case, the mace will be issued by the university, and is to be returned to them in the same condition as it was issued – clean, undented, and unused in combat.

33. Prohibited Object (Class): Any device that can only be activated by “The Chosen One” or similar limited range of individuals as foretold through complicated stories, history, philosophy or other devices.

33B. Clarification:If the device is known only to be able to activated by a “Chosen one”, I am also not permitted to do the choosing on behalf of the device.

33B. Exemption: Class quests

33C. Exemption: User ID and password activated systems.

34. Prohibited Object (Class): Musicals.

35. Prohibited Object (Class): Ballerinas

See also: The Confiscated List and the Inexplicably Permitted List plus the original The Trebuchet List post.